i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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