You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
