My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
