How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
