Pants 0. Shit 1.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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