i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
In America we eat man semen.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
