Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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