James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
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They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
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I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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