a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
