Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
