so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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