Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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