I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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