I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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