I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
