Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious