If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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