What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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