jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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