tonight lets celebrate not being married
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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