I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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