I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
