I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
