smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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