i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Shame - the story of my life.
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