I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
