I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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