Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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