Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
