Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
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She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
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Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
the raccoons are back...
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