Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
