What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
