Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
