Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
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I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize