dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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