wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
