It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
