Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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