It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
