mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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