he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
