if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
