Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
