you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
