I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
