i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
