I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
