Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
