Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
