i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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