Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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