I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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