chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
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Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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