I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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