those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
