I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Randomize
