if i can run in heels then i can drive
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
