Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
